Anyways, I've started writing out the intro to the Realm, and I think I will put it here now, no talking in this part.
And it is just a draft, so this is where comments would help, like a change in tone, or a suggestion for diffferent wording, or whatever. Please no vagaries, they really don't help me.
Anyways here it is, you might have read it before to, I do like rewriting my intros over and over.
Night settled over the keep like a great cloak of darkness. The only lights were those carried by the sentries patrolling the darkened walls. None noticed the hooded and cloaked figure slip onto the top of the wall.
One guard stood between it and the stairs leading down to the keep but he faced the wrong way. The figure silently moved up behind the guard, almost wraith like. In one movement it broke the unexpecting man's neck and pushed his ccrpse off the wall.
Quickly it moved down the stairs lest it be seen and opened the thick wooden door that barred its passage. Stepping through it found itself in what could only be the servants quarters. Carefully and silently the claoked figure navigated around the many bunks, a servant stirred and looked up as the figure passed his bunk. A small whimper escaped his throat as the figure looked at him for a moment, its face hidden in the shadows of its volumous hood.
The moment passed and the figure continued on dismissing the threat of the poor man. passing through a door it entered a corridor, knowing instantly where it was and where it had to go the figure began moving quickly towards the end of the corridor. Heading for the single door at the end.
The door proved no obstacle, its lock was easily picked and the figure entered a bedroom. A young woman slept noiselessly, her long aubrun hair spread out like a fan around her face. A near black sword was drawn slowly and cermoniusly from the folds of its great cloak and swung up before its shadowed face. It flowed to the side of the bed and stood over the woman for a long moment.
Suddenly she stirred and looked sleepily up at the black cloaked figure, her eyes widened in shock and she let lose a scream. The sword swung down and all became silence.
If you want ya can give me some criticism, also that's how I plan to start my comic, like the first three or four pages, anyways.
Let me have it, with teh criticism, and I'll have a revised version up at some later point. For some reason and I don't get why, but I'm banned from writing posts at BRIT, but I can look at my blog, its kinda frustraing.
Anyways, sayonara peoples
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
There should be a way in the blog settings to set up an email address so you can email posts directly on to your blog, which you should be able to do from BRIT. I guess.
Anyway on to the story. I like it. It's a solid start. I've gone through and added a couple of suggestions in a couple of places where it sounds a little bit awkward.
Night settled over the keep like a great cloak of darkness (a little bit cliché but I’ll let it pass ;-). The only lights were those carried by the sentries patrolling the darkened walls. None (? “, none of whom”) noticed the hooded and cloaked figure slip onto the top of the wall.
(? “Only”) One guard stood between it (sounds seriously awkward without a gender) and the stairs leading down to the keep*,* but he faced the wrong way. The figure silently moved up behind the guard, almost wraith like. In one movement it broke the unexpecting (is that even a word?) man's neck and pushed his *corpse* off the wall.
Quickly it moved down the stairs lest it be seen and opened the thick wooden door that barred its passage. Stepping through it found itself in what could only be the servants*’* quarters. Carefully and silently the *cloaked* figure navigated around the many bunks*. A* servant stirred and looked up as the figure passed his bunk. A small whimper escaped his throat as the figure looked at him for a moment, its face hidden in the shadows of its volumous hood. (Maybe shouldn’t be a new paragraph here?)
The moment passed and the figure continued on*,* dismissing the threat of the poor man. *P*assing through a door it entered a corridor, knowing instantly where it was and where it had to go*. T*he figure began moving quickly towards the end of the corridor*, h*eading for the single door at the end.
The door proved no obstacle, its lock was easily picked and the figure entered a bedroom. A young woman slept noiselessly, her long *auburn* (I hate that word!) hair spread out like a fan around her face. A near black sword was drawn slowly and *ceremoniously* from the folds of its great cloak and swung up before its shadowed face (awkward tone here. Maybe start with “The figure slowly and ceremoniously…”). It flowed to the side of the bed and stood over the woman for a long moment.
Suddenly she stirred and looked sleepily up (? rephrase this as it’s the same wording as for the servant earlier) at the black cloaked figure*. H*er eyes widened in shock and she let *loose* a scream (? include an adjective, and I don’t like “let loose”). The sword swung down and all became silence (again this sounds a bit awkward).
And what are vagaries? Sounds like a cross between vaginae and ovaries! Or is that too much of a vulgarity?
About the it thing, the cloaked figure is meant to remain anomynous, you aren't meant to know if its a guy or a girl, might be difficult to draw but I'll figure it out...needs some streamlining to I fink
Post a Comment